Crucial Craziness

Brahmin spammas, spaamies and my fate

There are two ways to become wise.

#1. One has to suffer, fail and learn things oneself.

#2. One has to learn from the sufferings of others around.

In this case, mine was #1. Please read this long rambling. Your way of learning will be #2

Long back, when Sachin Tendulkar was playing ODI matches, I saw a mail with the tag [BRAHMINASSOCIATION] in the subject line. Clearly confused, I opened the mail to find what it was.

 srirama jayam.

dear sri seshadri avarghal.

may i request you to kindly circulate the information below in your matrimonial columns. this is for my daughter XXXXXXX. much obliged’, ``wanted groom for tamil Iyer Vadama bride,27 ,fair , good looking, jyeshta nakshatram, haritasa engineer, working in usa,ca, green card holder. subsect no bar.pls contact mr p. Swaminathan telephone xxxxxxxx 

Was it a spam, really? I’ve only seen Dominos Pizza, EBay, ‘Step ahead in career’,‘You’ve won $1000000 money’ spams. This one seemed quite different. Have desperate people started sending matrimonial advertisements as spams, so that someone somewhere doing something will read it and the girl/boy will eventually get a perfect ‘sorgathil nichayikka patta’ (made in heaven) alliance?  Ada what man, seems like the story of the best over acting iduppu movie of this century, Kushi.

(Kushi is a must watch movie for foreigners, especially. I guarantee that they’ll start treating us, Indians with reverence and respect and even fear to stand in front of us and speak, dreading that we’ll start reacting the way the lead actors do in the movie). I deleted the mail and proceeded with my day to day work, which was of course doing nothing.

The next day I received 2 more e-mails with the same tag [BRAHMINASSOCIATION]. This time they had different contents. One was a fuming mail about how Brahmins are being ill-treated by a certain political party and another was about Sri Vaishnava Thiruthalangal.How is that I receive spams everyday from the same BRAHMINASSOCIATION? Baffling.I marked them spam and proceeded with my day to day work, which was of course doing nothing.

One fine day, as I was too bored, I opened the spam folder to check if there was anything interesting to read. Ok, don’t laugh. As you can find gold even from garbage, you can get entertaining information from Spam mails. To my shock there were 400 odd mails sitting there! All of them from [BRAHMINASSOCIATION]. What the f***..sorry What the abacharam abacharam!‘Select All Delete All’.And I proceeded with my day to day work, which was of course doing nothing.

Though Gmail deletes spam mails that are more than 30 days old, I continued doing this ritual of ‘Select All Delete All’ now and then. Spam mails are like mosquitoes. Even if they lie somewhere else and don’t bother you, deleting them gives you a mental satisfaction, just like the satisfaction you get by killing a poor innocuous mosquito sitting idly on a table.

Then came a day, I can never ever forget. The day when the daily tear off astrology prediction said ‘Nanmai’ (Bliss/Goodness) for my moon sign.

I received a mail that announced that all members can now post in the group [BRAHMINASSOCIATION].This  After little research, I inferred that this was a Yahoo! Group of 7500 people, where they can exchange matrimonial profiles, share some Gyaan about religion, temples, gods and goddesses. Since then, only the moderator was sending the mails and now, the generous Gentleman had granted rights to all members to post. Btw, his name wasn’t Arjun.

I did not completely understand it’s implication. Tube light me. Mails started pouring in, and they rose exponentially! 2,4,16… All mails predominantly had the same subject. They all wanted their e-mail ids to be removed from the group. ‘ Delete from group’, ‘ Remove my id’, ‘Unsubscribe me’.Different people, different text, but same story, like Tamil TV Soaps.

But, wait? Why did they all land in my Inbox? Had I not dug a canal and routed all irrigation water from this particular stream to the Sea called the Spams folder? Then I got it! Holy cow kamadhenu!

Until then, the moderator was the only sender. So, all mails were sent to the spams folder. Now that different people had started to send mails, so different senders, it wasn’t considered Spam mail. Huhhhhh!

I appreciated the Archimedes sleeping inside me. What a discovery. Okay, I will unsubscribe me from the group.Easy solution. With pride, I clicked on ‘Unsubscribe’ written in extra small font at the bottom. It sent an empty e-mail to the group to unsubscribe me. Subham. Problem solved. I closed the window and walked out of the room, like a boss.

Only after sometime, I found out that I hadn’t won the battle yet. The mail had bounced back. It said that I cannot be unsubscribed as I had not subscribe to the group.

“Only members of the group can post”.


I was receiving mails because I was subscribed to it. But now, it said I wasn’t subscribed at all. Not a fair game, Yahoo! What do I do now? Mails kept flooding my inbox. More and more vexed individuals sent mails asking their mail ids to be removed from the group. Some were polite, some were intolerant, some said “me too” replying to it, some Major Sundarrajans spoke hi fi english, some frustrated souls started abusing the group for sending too many unwanted mails everyday. Some respected mamas taught others how to unsubscribe themselves. But, others did not seem to pay heed to it. The matter became so serious that people were outrageously criticised fellow members who wanted to opt out. One subject was அடுத்த ஜன்மத்திலாவது அந்தணனாக பிறக்காதீர். (At least in your next birth, do not be born as a Brahmin). As if it’s all in their hands! The net result was that people kept fighting and eventually spamming each other. Poor souls like me (who’d not even subscribed) could only puzhungi puzhungi azhudhufy.


Every time after I deleted mails and came back, there were more. It pained. Just imagine, you meticulously sweep and swab a large beautiful white marbled room and leave it pleasant smelling and sparkling clean. And when you come back, you see that someone has sprinkled garbage all around like Gangaajal. How irritated you’d feel? (I’m not mentioning the mail or it’s content as garbage, it’s just an example. Naan Elleengo!)

Toooooooo many mails, replies, reply to replies, reply to reply to reply. After much thinking, I decided I would do what everyone else did. JUST SPAM BACK! Just in case the moderator is a nice guy mama and he removes each one of them individually, I would get removed too.

So, I typed a mail.

“Dear Moderator,

I had not subscribed to the group and I seriously do not know how my mail id got added to your group’s mailing list. I tried unsubscribing myself, but the mail bounced back saying I was not subscribed at all. So, kindly remove me from this group.

My mail id is


I hoped and hoped and hoped something would happen. Littering continued every single day,every single hour. Had I been impolite in the mail? Did they not understand what I said? I should have probably written the mail the way the other people in the group write.

I clicked on reply all.

Style Change. Attempt 2

Sri Rama Jayam! Subhamasthu!

Respected Bandhu! Adiyen Namaskaram! 

With the blessing of the Perumal and Thaayar, you people are doing a noble service of spreading knowledge about spirituality and religion, teaching truthfulness, honesty and jeevakarunyam.

Also, I appreciate your efforts of running the free jadhagam exchange service.But, I think I got subscribed to this group accidentally.

As these mails are  of no use to me, I humbly and kindly request you to remove my e-mail id from the group.

Thanks and Pranams


I believed that that time, this kind of a mail will bear fruit.

Couple of days passed. No response. I was clueless. Unsubscribe request mails kept coming from different members. Real Bad Headache! Why had this Yahoo! Groups stupidly subscribed me to random groups. Merissa Mayer Maami’s new strategy to increase membership and customer base eh?

Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. I will first go subscribe myself to the group. Let the moderator approve. Then I will become a proper member of the group unlike a benami or a zombie member now. Next, I will unsubscribe myself. WOW! And I did accordingly.Day after day, I checked my status. ‘Membership pending!’ I was getting real mad.

I scrutinized few mails that come, I somehow found from one of them, the name of the moderator and his mail id. I’ve sent a mail directly to him and now I sit praying to god.

At this juncture, I’m starting to worry about my luck and fate, pondering if I’d done sins that have pushed me into this black hole.

Introspection brought me this memory from the past.

1)I had been a prankster at college, trying to crack people’s passwords, to subscribe their ids to spams, interchange numbers and names in mobile phones etc. It was only a ‘try’. I’d never done them full-fledged. The mere thought..the intention…those evil things that had occurred to me are probably responsible for what’s happening. Cha!

2) For ages, old Idols, torn pictures and tattered photos of god at home which need to be disposed off are not thrown away,but kept at the back sides of temples. They lie there for ages and ages and one day they’ll vanish. And, me a blasphemous silly girl, had sent emails about god to the spam folder. Such a disrespectful thing to do!

Hey Larry and Sergey.. create a folder called  ‘Holy spam’. Okay?! All religious emails should reside there! My karma is chasing me and showing me it’s power.  See, your karma will also never leave you!

Always be good. Do good. Think good.

Oh, wait. What if I try to crack the group admin’s password?

Brahmin……BrahminAssociation…BrahminAssociationPassword… BrahminAssociationPassword123….Perumal….Narayana….SriRamaJayam…OmNamahShivaya…MuruganThunai

Note: I’m sorry if I had hurt Brahmins and the Yahoo group BRAHMINASSOCIATION. I know, You know, Everyone knows, it is definitely not intentional. This blog post is a way to vent out my frustration, stress and mental torture.



Ganzfeld Experiment


Some people see horses prancing in the clouds.

Some hear their dead relative’s voice.

I came across this intriguing post of Facebook a couple of days back.

After reading this real good book, anything related to neuroscience and brain activity seems exciting.I have tried a phantom limb experiment from the book with my sister and it has worked.Seriously.I do lie, but not always.

Well, it’s not voodoo or black magic,but pure science,you see.If one believes in optical illusions,one needs to believe this as well.

Ganzfeld experiment, this is called.Here we go..

AIM: To experience bizarre set of sensory distortions


Headphones- Yes

Cell phone/Radio to play static noise – Yes

Red light- Optional

Cellotape – Yes

Halved Ping Pong ball – I didn’t have them.So,decided to use 2 water bottle caps. It’s okay. Haven’t we used cooked rice grains as glue?

As I got into the bedroom and switched off light,I began feeling a bit eerie.I made sure I locked up the room. If someone finds me  lying on bed with headphones,water bottle caps stuck to eyes, I’m sure they’ll start imagining all what they can.They may even take me to a psychiatrist. Moreover,the experiment said people may start speaking involuntarily.What if I blabber controversial stuff about X , Y or Z?! Very risky.Safety first! Room locked!

Then, I the took plastic water bottle caps and stuck them to both my eyes using cello tape.

Next,I lay on the bed, put on the headphones and tuned my the FM to play pure white noise.I was conscious that I shouldn’t move.

For a few minutes,nothing happened. After it too, nothing happened.Where are the hallucinations?The bizarre sensory distortions?

I started pondering if I was feeling anything unusual. I only felt an itch on my nose tip.Aargh..same irritating feeling you get when you have mehndi on hand.

I started telling myself to C-O-N-C-E-N-T-R-A-T-E !

To be able to achieve anything,you need to believe,wise people say. So, B-E-L-I-E-V-E !

I focused on the noise that came from the headphones..After sometime I realized I was free from all other thoughts. Ok, but where is this hallucination? ‘ You need to wait’, I convinced myself.

Minutes passed by, and I got accustomed to the noise. Suddenly, I heard someone playing Veena! I was stormed!

It was only in that week that one of my friends had shown me a video of him playing Veena.

I recollected it and felt ecstatic about how the human brain could pull out random memories lying somewhere inside the brain and throw it in front of you and you’ve not given even a small thought about it.

After some time, I could hear barking sounds.It grew clearer. I knew It was my dog I had lost.

I couldn’t believe what I was experiencing.Fascinating! But, I was a little disappointed that I did not ‘see’  anything. Not all people can experience visual hallucinations.It may be olfactory or auditory as well,right?Fine.

I spent little more time anticipating more. But wasn’t able to experience any.I decided to stop. I removed the headphones and got up from the bed with an immense sense of achievement.

I came out of the room.I ran to my mom to say about the experiment and explain her how it works.

Serial on TV. Dashing all my hopes, the background music was Veena! WHAAATT!

I then turned my ears to Malliga. She was my neighbor’s black skinny Rajapalayam,barking!!

DAMN IT!!! Experimenter’s bias!

But, my quest to experiment did not end.I already knew what the result should be. It is so true that you get what you expect.

“Ammmmaaaaa! Come here,no..Important. Come now”, I pulled her to the bedroom.

I could see she was getting tensed. “What? What happened?Why did you call me in?” she came in probing.

“Lie on the bed. I want to perform an experiment on you.Don’t ask me what.You will know as you do.”

She was in a good mood then that she readily obliged my order  humble request.

I stuck the bottle caps on her eyes, switched on the noise.She adjusted her posture, and I shouted..”Amma!Don’t move!”

I kept looking at her for sometime, and found her eye balls moving.I initially thought of moving away and coming back after few minutes and ask her what she saw. But decided against it as I thought I would miss hearing her, in case she speaks.

I lay on the floor thinking about what I read before sometime..

environment without distractions…..deprivation of patterned sensory input..create a homogeneous visual field.. wake Induced lucid dream…ESP…

The principle behind the experiment is that when the mind is deprived from visual input, but     exposed to a structured and uniform sound, the brain starts building up it’s own perceptions which may vary from person to person.

Suddenly, I heard some noise.Or,was I hallucinating myself? I waited.

I heard it again.Did she speak?

I went near mom and gazed at her.Her lips were a little curled up. Was she hallucinating?

I got a little scared. I thought I should stop the noise at once. But, I was also curious to know up to what extent it will go.

It was already 10 minutes. Quite a long time.I decided to bring the experiment to an end in a minute.

Should I touch her first or stop the noise? She might probably freak out if I touched.

I stopped the radio.I couldn’t control my urge to ask her what she saw.

I whispered.


“Amma. Get’s over”

I was worried. I had read it was not a very safe thing to do.But it didn’t seem credible. ‘It tends to build up a dangerous amount of pressure in your head’

‘It’s hacking your brain’.


*Sees mom sleeping.

Walks out of room, ‘hallucinating’ palm banging on own head.*

As is the daughter, so is the mother.



PS:Science is all about trial and error. I will try this again…..until I hallucinate….with ping pong balls….and red light….and pucca set up….when no one is watching TV…when Malliga is asleep…

If you are also as vetti as me, kindly try this and let me know what you saw.

More interesting experiments to try can be found here.


1 Comment »

Cedar And Tax! A Regal Oval Leg….One Yowls!

“Ammmmmaaaaa….pasikkardhu”,I screamed at my mom who was busy making arrangements to receive visitors who would come for Golu that day evening. She turned a customary deaf ear to me as it has always been my habit of not having proper lunch and asking for something to eat within two hours.

So, I walked into the kitchen on a quest to find something to eat, though I knew that I will not find anything interesting. I opened the refrigerator and put my head in only to find left overs after lunch, vegetables, that powder….that dough and a lot of good for nothing stuff.
The fridge has always been a place that has never failed to disappoint people with a hungry stomach.

I then opened the freezer and to my delight, found half bitten Snickers bar. Though not a big fan of chocolates since I was a kid, I seek refuge in them when hunger haunts me. (pasicha puli  pull ah thingadha enna?)I was then instantly reminded that I had eaten half of it and kept back the remaining in the freezer a day back. I grabbed it from the freezer and took a quick bite. The chocolate had become so damn hard that it gave me a tooth pain right away.
So, I kept it outside, on the ‘kitchen medai’ hoping to have it after two minutes.(Ok, Word, you don’t correct me. It’s not media-it’s medai! The service platform)

I then stepped out of the kitchen and the power went off and the house became pitch black owing to the bad weather! I was delighted that I had found the chocolate before the daily scheduled torture time for my place, which is from 4 to 6 in the evening. Roaming around house to pass time waiting for the chocolate to soften, I then went inside the kitchen to have it. It was so so damn dark that I couldn’t find where I had kept it. Bringing the torch would only mean wasting time to search for it. Too lazy, you see. Speculating that ‘that’ would be that place, I started moving my hands searching for it so that I would somehow stumble upon it.

Yes!An ecstatic finding it was! Snickers…I will eat you and you will be the holy water that will wet my drought stricken stomach-for half an hour. I quickly stuffed it into my mouth and walked out chewing it.

Why does it feel ‘edho madri’? I wondered why it had become powdery..had flour or something fallen over it? I then took another bite feeling something very odd. I could then feel something tickling my hand. I rushed to a comparatively brighter place to find what was wrong.

Those tiny red rascals!:-@ Scores of ants had invaded my chocolate, my only hope, made colonies and set up families (set up – families? Couldn’t overlook the irony). Had I left it there for some more time the elderly ants would have been happily celebrating their grand children’s-first birthday.

Horrified by what I had just put into my mouth, I immediately ran to the wash basin to spit out the ants that were trying to convert me into a non-vegetarian. Fully opening the tap and filling my mouth with gushing water, I frantically gargled, coughed and spat out repeatedly…thu..thu..thu..Yuck it was!Chaii! How do these ant eaters relish eating ants?

I was feeling a little relieved, but I soon found that I was only short-lived. An ant had got stuck in my throat. Probably I had pushed it into the dark tunnel while trying to wash off. Another round of washing did not help and I decided to drink water to push it down. (Ok, I’ve become a non-vegetarian now; knowingly)
I had some water and moved away…

After half an hour, I realized that there was an itch in my lower lip and scratched there reduce it. Within minutes, that area started to swell. As soon as the power came, I ran to the mirror to see what had happened. As expected, it was big, red and my lower lip was sagging. I knew it would happened! My skin is always hyper sensitive to insect bites and something like this happens very often. Doctors say the skin hasn’t matured. (But, I thought only brain?)As advised by my aunt, I always rub ‘viboothi’ (sacred ash) over the part skin with rash and have noticed that it actually works. How? But, It works. Why do a research then?

Hands or face, it’s okay. But how do I smear ‘viboothi’ on the lip? That doesn’t taste good either!
Never mind, I want relief. I took the ash and applied over my lip…watching every now and then to find if the swell has subsided. It hadn’t ☹

I then ran to my mother and showed her my lip with a very sad face so that she would feel pity and do something about it.

“Achachooo…..enna ma idhu?”[Oh my god,what happened?]she asked and I cried narrating her what happened.

“Do you have that Avil..Devil something with you? The medicine that people take for allergies?

“Oh..leave it like that. It’ll swell like this only if ants bite on the lip. You shouldn’t take medicines for petty things”
I was angry! This was not what I expected! Did I not fuss properly?

Unable to speak, I sat in Manmohan Singh mudra,smiling and nodding my head all the time while maamies in my neighborhood had come home for Golu. My mother told them the tale and I’m sure the it would have given them good entertainment though they managed to listen to it keeping a concerned face and doing an occasional Tch..tch.. without laughing. One of them even asked me to sing and infuriated me. Inga pesardhukke vazhiya kaanom..Idhula paatu vendiyiruka?!

My father felt a little worried as he saw me walking towards the mirror frequently. He asked me to go to bed early and ensured it would be okay when I wake up the next day.

“Kandippa???Sure??Will it get okay?” He was very confident and assured me it will be fine by morning. Convinced, I went to bed.

The next day morning, I woke up with great expectations that some miracle would have happened and I would look normal again. But, to my disappointment and shock, I found that the swelling had become bigger! I was thrown and tossed!

I had invited my friends home that day and I was very worried that I wouldn’t be able to talk to them. And, I had to go to office the next day! I started making mental plans about what I’ll be telling in office for not coming and felt very silly.
As I bit ants, and they bit me back on my lip, which is swollen heavily now,I won’t be able to come to office as I look very scary….

Very Very ridiculous!
I was worriedly telling my sister that the actual reason would sound very stupid if stated.
“Ok, say a dog. Not ant”, she suggested.

As a dog bit me on my lip, which is swollen heavily now, I won’t be able to come to office as I look very scary….

“Aiiiii…..It sounds very awkward”, I screamed.
“Idiot! Say a dog bit you on your leg! It’s quite a valid reason for you. People will definitely believe because they know that you are capable of teasing a dog and getting bitten back”
I wasn’t convinced wholeheartedly.
My aunt looked at my lip, was shocked and asked me to come to the hospital with her.
Mom entered the scene and narrated a story of Sujatha Rangarajan that she’d read long back where doctors would be very confused as to what medicine to prescribe for a man who’d come with a horse bite and giggled.

Had it been a big animal, some decent animal like horse or dog , I would have been a little proud saying it bit me. What on earth can be more shameful than saying an ant bit you? At least mosquitoes have some respect among people as they have been creating terror-spreading dengue.

As I went there and waited, a nurse enquired the reason why I had come. Feeling ashamed to saying ant bite, I simply said-insect bite, allergy.

It was Sunday and a junior doctor was at the OP Ward in the hospital. That guy enquired what had happened and could believe what I told him.

“Was it an ant?”
“Just an ant?”
“Not any other insect? You wouldn’t have noticed it in dark”
“Oh, it wasn’t a back ant either?”
“Those small red ants ah?”

He immediately took out a paper and started writing long notes. I curiously peeped into his prescription pad and he pulled it a little closer to him. He had probably finished studying only a year back.

After finishing it he showed the prescription to my aunt and asked her to get an injection immediately.
WTH?!He had written three more drugs in addition to it.

“Why injection?”
“For the swelling to reduce”
“And why tablets too?”
“That’s also for the swelling”
“Why both?”
“Injection for immediate relief, the tablets for the lip to not swell again”, he explained.
He looked up and asked, ”Why, don’t you want an injection?”

My god, he had thought I was scared of an injection. I was only trying to get things clarified because my mom had advised me to. I understood I was acting like an ‘adiga prasangi’.
I smiled at the young chap and said I don’t mind injections at all.

My aunt came in few minutes with the syringe and the vial. The nurse asked me to lie on the bed.
“On my hip? ,I asked her.
“No,No. Hand only. Please lie down”, she said and called another nurse for help.
Looking at all the precautionary steps she was taking, I was a little tensed.
“Big one ah?”, I enquired. She did not reply and turned to get the injection ready.
The other nurse held my hand tight. I have seen such things happening 1) When they give shock treatments. 2)When a lady has got labor pain.

When I was looking somewhere and wondering how big the injection would be, I was asked to get up.
I had not even realized that the injection was over. Well, buffalo skinned people cannot know. So much scene those two nurses had created. Might be they were bored on that Sunday morning without visitors.
The doctor explained me the course of medicines I need to take and as I was about to leave, the chief doctor came in having noticed my aunt.
“Hello! How are you? What’s the problem” he enquired in a friendly manner.
Being the only closest hospital near home, we had become frequent visitors that the chief knew us well.
She explained the ant story and he called me near, opened my mouth and face ‘sulichified’.

“You bit the ant or the ant bit you?”, he laughed and took the prescription from me.
He read what the other doctor payyan had prescribed.
“Did you look at her inner lip? It’s become white, man. We need to give another antibiotic to prevent infection and pus formation”, he said and added one more tablet.

Dude! It’s only an ant bite. And I need to take 4 different tablets after an injection? What amazing talent a small ant has got! Truly appreciated.

We paid the ‘moi panam’ in the reception counter and left to hospital pharmacy to get the medicines. She was also a friend of my aunt, and knowing story,“Erumba kadikka ivlo?”,she chuckled and I was feeling insulted. I was becoming a laughing-stock for many.

My mother had asked my aunt to recharge her mobile booster in a shop opposite to the hospital. As we walked towards the shop, I told my aunt what booster pack my mother wanted and warned her that I will only stand at a distance. She nodded her head and went in.

Within seconds, she yelled at me…”Inga vaa ma..Enna plan adhu?”
Aaaama great 5 year plan! Only in such embarrassing situations she’ll forget mere three digits I had told her less than 30 seconds back.

I went in and said grumpily “twfu forfty fvive” and entered mobile number on his phone.
Smart guy understood what I spoke. And he did not miss that swell on my lip. I took out the doctor’s prescription simply and acted like reading it, for him to notice and understand I had gone to the doctor for this, I was sick.

I returned back home after getting laughed at by many and outraged by insulting investigations.
After some time, I had found that I was getting back to normal, slow, yet noticeable.

So, what was the moral of the story?
1) Don’t eat chocolates in dark?

2) Don’t eat chocolates at all?

3) Don’t eat anything in dark? (What about romantic candle light dinner and all?Pocha?)

4)Giving  Moi panam always helps/only helps

5) Don’t underestimate ants

6) Never look at a doctor’s pad when he’s prescribing you medicines-he’ll make the prescription a provision list so that you believe he’s treating you properly.

7) If you keep teasing others, you’ll be pushed into a situation where people will laugh at you. It’s karma!

8)Just because something bad happened to you,don’t give up what you do.It’s dharma!

About the Title: Anagram of all medicines that I was prescribed-in ‘Miruginajambo’, ‘Akunpadam’ style.
Ok, don’t bang you forehead with your hands forcefully. It hurts.Really.


%d bloggers like this: