Crucial Craziness

Cedar And Tax! A Regal Oval Leg….One Yowls!

“Ammmmmaaaaa….pasikkardhu”,I screamed at my mom who was busy making arrangements to receive visitors who would come for Golu that day evening. She turned a customary deaf ear to me as it has always been my habit of not having proper lunch and asking for something to eat within two hours.

So, I walked into the kitchen on a quest to find something to eat, though I knew that I will not find anything interesting. I opened the refrigerator and put my head in only to find left overs after lunch, vegetables, that powder….that dough and a lot of good for nothing stuff.
The fridge has always been a place that has never failed to disappoint people with a hungry stomach.

I then opened the freezer and to my delight, found half bitten Snickers bar. Though not a big fan of chocolates since I was a kid, I seek refuge in them when hunger haunts me. (pasicha puli  pull ah thingadha enna?)I was then instantly reminded that I had eaten half of it and kept back the remaining in the freezer a day back. I grabbed it from the freezer and took a quick bite. The chocolate had become so damn hard that it gave me a tooth pain right away.
So, I kept it outside, on the ‘kitchen medai’ hoping to have it after two minutes.(Ok, Word, you don’t correct me. It’s not media-it’s medai! The service platform)

I then stepped out of the kitchen and the power went off and the house became pitch black owing to the bad weather! I was delighted that I had found the chocolate before the daily scheduled torture time for my place, which is from 4 to 6 in the evening. Roaming around house to pass time waiting for the chocolate to soften, I then went inside the kitchen to have it. It was so so damn dark that I couldn’t find where I had kept it. Bringing the torch would only mean wasting time to search for it. Too lazy, you see. Speculating that ‘that’ would be that place, I started moving my hands searching for it so that I would somehow stumble upon it.

Yes!An ecstatic finding it was! Snickers…I will eat you and you will be the holy water that will wet my drought stricken stomach-for half an hour. I quickly stuffed it into my mouth and walked out chewing it.

Why does it feel ‘edho madri’? I wondered why it had become powdery..had flour or something fallen over it? I then took another bite feeling something very odd. I could then feel something tickling my hand. I rushed to a comparatively brighter place to find what was wrong.

Those tiny red rascals!:-@ Scores of ants had invaded my chocolate, my only hope, made colonies and set up families (set up – families? Couldn’t overlook the irony). Had I left it there for some more time the elderly ants would have been happily celebrating their grand children’s-first birthday.

Horrified by what I had just put into my mouth, I immediately ran to the wash basin to spit out the ants that were trying to convert me into a non-vegetarian. Fully opening the tap and filling my mouth with gushing water, I frantically gargled, coughed and spat out repeatedly…thu..thu..thu..Yuck it was!Chaii! How do these ant eaters relish eating ants?

I was feeling a little relieved, but I soon found that I was only short-lived. An ant had got stuck in my throat. Probably I had pushed it into the dark tunnel while trying to wash off. Another round of washing did not help and I decided to drink water to push it down. (Ok, I’ve become a non-vegetarian now; knowingly)
I had some water and moved away…

After half an hour, I realized that there was an itch in my lower lip and scratched there reduce it. Within minutes, that area started to swell. As soon as the power came, I ran to the mirror to see what had happened. As expected, it was big, red and my lower lip was sagging. I knew it would happened! My skin is always hyper sensitive to insect bites and something like this happens very often. Doctors say the skin hasn’t matured. (But, I thought only brain?)As advised by my aunt, I always rub ‘viboothi’ (sacred ash) over the part skin with rash and have noticed that it actually works. How? But, It works. Why do a research then?

Hands or face, it’s okay. But how do I smear ‘viboothi’ on the lip? That doesn’t taste good either!
Never mind, I want relief. I took the ash and applied over my lip…watching every now and then to find if the swell has subsided. It hadn’t ☹

I then ran to my mother and showed her my lip with a very sad face so that she would feel pity and do something about it.

“Achachooo…..enna ma idhu?”[Oh my god,what happened?]she asked and I cried narrating her what happened.

“Do you have that Avil..Devil something with you? The medicine that people take for allergies?

“Oh..leave it like that. It’ll swell like this only if ants bite on the lip. You shouldn’t take medicines for petty things”
I was angry! This was not what I expected! Did I not fuss properly?

Unable to speak, I sat in Manmohan Singh mudra,smiling and nodding my head all the time while maamies in my neighborhood had come home for Golu. My mother told them the tale and I’m sure the it would have given them good entertainment though they managed to listen to it keeping a concerned face and doing an occasional Tch..tch.. without laughing. One of them even asked me to sing and infuriated me. Inga pesardhukke vazhiya kaanom..Idhula paatu vendiyiruka?!

My father felt a little worried as he saw me walking towards the mirror frequently. He asked me to go to bed early and ensured it would be okay when I wake up the next day.

“Kandippa???Sure??Will it get okay?” He was very confident and assured me it will be fine by morning. Convinced, I went to bed.

The next day morning, I woke up with great expectations that some miracle would have happened and I would look normal again. But, to my disappointment and shock, I found that the swelling had become bigger! I was thrown and tossed!

I had invited my friends home that day and I was very worried that I wouldn’t be able to talk to them. And, I had to go to office the next day! I started making mental plans about what I’ll be telling in office for not coming and felt very silly.
As I bit ants, and they bit me back on my lip, which is swollen heavily now,I won’t be able to come to office as I look very scary….

Very Very ridiculous!
I was worriedly telling my sister that the actual reason would sound very stupid if stated.
“Ok, say a dog. Not ant”, she suggested.

As a dog bit me on my lip, which is swollen heavily now, I won’t be able to come to office as I look very scary….

“Aiiiii…..It sounds very awkward”, I screamed.
“Idiot! Say a dog bit you on your leg! It’s quite a valid reason for you. People will definitely believe because they know that you are capable of teasing a dog and getting bitten back”
I wasn’t convinced wholeheartedly.
My aunt looked at my lip, was shocked and asked me to come to the hospital with her.
Mom entered the scene and narrated a story of Sujatha Rangarajan that she’d read long back where doctors would be very confused as to what medicine to prescribe for a man who’d come with a horse bite and giggled.

Had it been a big animal, some decent animal like horse or dog , I would have been a little proud saying it bit me. What on earth can be more shameful than saying an ant bit you? At least mosquitoes have some respect among people as they have been creating terror-spreading dengue.

As I went there and waited, a nurse enquired the reason why I had come. Feeling ashamed to saying ant bite, I simply said-insect bite, allergy.

It was Sunday and a junior doctor was at the OP Ward in the hospital. That guy enquired what had happened and could believe what I told him.

“Was it an ant?”
“Just an ant?”
“Not any other insect? You wouldn’t have noticed it in dark”
“Oh, it wasn’t a back ant either?”
“Those small red ants ah?”

He immediately took out a paper and started writing long notes. I curiously peeped into his prescription pad and he pulled it a little closer to him. He had probably finished studying only a year back.

After finishing it he showed the prescription to my aunt and asked her to get an injection immediately.
WTH?!He had written three more drugs in addition to it.

“Why injection?”
“For the swelling to reduce”
“And why tablets too?”
“That’s also for the swelling”
“Why both?”
“Injection for immediate relief, the tablets for the lip to not swell again”, he explained.
He looked up and asked, ”Why, don’t you want an injection?”

My god, he had thought I was scared of an injection. I was only trying to get things clarified because my mom had advised me to. I understood I was acting like an ‘adiga prasangi’.
I smiled at the young chap and said I don’t mind injections at all.

My aunt came in few minutes with the syringe and the vial. The nurse asked me to lie on the bed.
“On my hip? ,I asked her.
“No,No. Hand only. Please lie down”, she said and called another nurse for help.
Looking at all the precautionary steps she was taking, I was a little tensed.
“Big one ah?”, I enquired. She did not reply and turned to get the injection ready.
The other nurse held my hand tight. I have seen such things happening 1) When they give shock treatments. 2)When a lady has got labor pain.

When I was looking somewhere and wondering how big the injection would be, I was asked to get up.
I had not even realized that the injection was over. Well, buffalo skinned people cannot know. So much scene those two nurses had created. Might be they were bored on that Sunday morning without visitors.
The doctor explained me the course of medicines I need to take and as I was about to leave, the chief doctor came in having noticed my aunt.
“Hello! How are you? What’s the problem” he enquired in a friendly manner.
Being the only closest hospital near home, we had become frequent visitors that the chief knew us well.
She explained the ant story and he called me near, opened my mouth and face ‘sulichified’.

“You bit the ant or the ant bit you?”, he laughed and took the prescription from me.
He read what the other doctor payyan had prescribed.
“Did you look at her inner lip? It’s become white, man. We need to give another antibiotic to prevent infection and pus formation”, he said and added one more tablet.

Dude! It’s only an ant bite. And I need to take 4 different tablets after an injection? What amazing talent a small ant has got! Truly appreciated.

We paid the ‘moi panam’ in the reception counter and left to hospital pharmacy to get the medicines. She was also a friend of my aunt, and knowing story,“Erumba kadikka ivlo?”,she chuckled and I was feeling insulted. I was becoming a laughing-stock for many.

My mother had asked my aunt to recharge her mobile booster in a shop opposite to the hospital. As we walked towards the shop, I told my aunt what booster pack my mother wanted and warned her that I will only stand at a distance. She nodded her head and went in.

Within seconds, she yelled at me…”Inga vaa ma..Enna plan adhu?”
Aaaama great 5 year plan! Only in such embarrassing situations she’ll forget mere three digits I had told her less than 30 seconds back.

I went in and said grumpily “twfu forfty fvive” and entered mobile number on his phone.
Smart guy understood what I spoke. And he did not miss that swell on my lip. I took out the doctor’s prescription simply and acted like reading it, for him to notice and understand I had gone to the doctor for this, I was sick.

I returned back home after getting laughed at by many and outraged by insulting investigations.
After some time, I had found that I was getting back to normal, slow, yet noticeable.

So, what was the moral of the story?
1) Don’t eat chocolates in dark?

2) Don’t eat chocolates at all?

3) Don’t eat anything in dark? (What about romantic candle light dinner and all?Pocha?)

4)Giving  Moi panam always helps/only helps

5) Don’t underestimate ants

6) Never look at a doctor’s pad when he’s prescribing you medicines-he’ll make the prescription a provision list so that you believe he’s treating you properly.

7) If you keep teasing others, you’ll be pushed into a situation where people will laugh at you. It’s karma!

8)Just because something bad happened to you,don’t give up what you do.It’s dharma!

About the Title: Anagram of all medicines that I was prescribed-in ‘Miruginajambo’, ‘Akunpadam’ style.
Ok, don’t bang you forehead with your hands forcefully. It hurts.Really.


That’s all,your honour!

(1.I will not get into trouble for publicizing illegal photography,the court is already gasping for breath dealing lot more serious and funny things. 2.No dysphemism intended,never!)  

“Ganam courtaar avargale” ,a lawyer would begin his argument,speak long phrases in grammatical Tamil and end with “That’s all your honour” Having grew up  watching these stereotypical court scenes in Tamil movies,I had always been curious to visit the Madras High Court.Since childhood,I had been pestering my best friend to arrange for a visit,her dad being an advocate. ‘Heyy..adhu fish market madri irukkum,pordhe waaaaaysttttu”,she would giggle and never take me.

Whatever be it,i’d wanted to know how a court would be,how a case would proceed,to know if lawyers actually wore a black gown and watch criminals on witness stands. Finally,a visit to world’s second largest judicial complex!(after receiving appreciations like ‘pogarthukku vera edam kedaikkala?’)

What I expected and what I got?Here it goes…

With all the excitement of pretending to be an assistant to a  notary public and entering through the main entrance,I was initially a little mad looking  around,like a  ‘pattikaadu guy’ stepping into Chennai.The 150 year old building,though in a dilapidated state was indeed fascinating.

‘Shock’ seems a little funny.Using a better term,

PLEASANT SURPRISE 1:Mobile Notary Public Vans


 There were numerous such Tata Sumo vans where a notary public sat and attended to his clients(if they had any).

I only remember having seen people selling sarees in such vans yelling “Ayya Vaanga,Amma Vaanga”.Whatever…

PLEASANT SURPRISE 2: On ground book sales on court corridor

The only solace was that the shop kaaran sold books related to law and not Kumudam ,Vikatan.I wouldn’t have surprised if there had been a thiruttu DVD shop.

PLEASANT SURPRISE 3: This IS the court room!

 Amazing! It wasn’t anything more than a small enclosure with door.The photo does not show a part of the room.It is the entire room!

PLEASANT SURPRISE 4:Air conditioned Central Library(it seems)

 It is in this place where the junior lawyers(with Ajith’s salt and pepper hairstyle) sit and read newspapers,magazines,jabber about politics,eat and burp.Many books stacked neatly in shelves-the place is called right.

There were more pleasant surprises,like dogs running in the corridor,lawyers sleeping on desks etc etc which were too dangerous to capture.The fear of  my cell phone being confiscated and the culprit(me) made to sit in a corner at the police station loathed me.

On the whole,forgetting these pleasant surprises,the  place did give me a feel that I was inside a place of importance and dignity.

On my way back home,I was reminded of the main part!As I was wondering where all these good looking,smart and handsome lawyers were and peeped out,a poster answered it all!John Grisham, your novels are so damn misleading! :-/

Ok,to end this post,I find no better way! 🙂


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